Adoption Trauma, ADHD, But RSD?
Update, Part 2 - Emotional
My ‘Brain’ is a ridiculous blob of gloopy crap at times.
The end….
Only joking! Although that would probably be enough.
I must have spent years trying to get to the bottom of how the damn thing works. I sometimes wish I weren’t such a deep thinker. It must be so nice just to go through life accepting things for what they are, eh?
I’ve made no bones about the fact that I’m aware of how much I've been rewired due to being an adoptee, obviously. And, I really thought that I was over the worst of it, due to all the self-reflection and work I've done over the last 2 years. But in October 2025, it all changed again. Around that time, Em’s Dad died, and I was invited to attend the wake, which was to be held one evening in a pub local to them. My social anxiety meter went ballistic, but I knew I had to go, if only to support her. A room full of people i didnt know … I felt as if I was being directed around the room by a film director.
“Aaaand ACTION - Talk to him, yes, yes, that’s great, now smile, smile, and turn and go, go to the bar, now sit here, talk to this person, who are they? Now say the name, say it … don’t want to forget it now do we? Be funny, look like you're enjoying this, more, more more, aaand CUT!”
Coupled with the fact that I’d volunteered to play one of her Dad's guitars for everyone, too, this was not going to end well. (What an idiot!) I hung on as long as I was required to; I couldn't eat a thing, and I barely had anything to drink. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, how to act, where to sit. It was a bloody nightmare.
The night ended, I went to bed, and lay awake all night. My head was busy going over that night again and again. The next night, same procedure, no sleep, just locked in a never-ending playback of the night. The third night came, and I was a husk of a human, dubious of my ability to sleep. Still awake at 3 am, Em woke, “Have you slept?” “Nope!”
I was feeling a big barrier going up. If I let this happen, I will stop communicating, and that's not good.
So, I forced myself to start talking, and within minutes, I was a complete mess! All the buildup, that night, my overthinking, the complete exhaustion, it all just fell out of my head. Then the crazy colour-saturated visions began! A huge garden full of lush, super green grass and bright flowers on bushes and plants, it was so close to the surface of my thoughts, it seemed as if I was actually there! I did eventually begin to feel a little better, and I slept for an hour or two. Finally. I woke the next day with a need to find some real answers. Why do I respond this way to what would seem to be a very normal, everyday event? When I look back, I react this way to a lot of things. I need to find some talking therapy.
After a bit of research and asking for recommendations, I found a great therapist here in Grantham.
Now, I’m skeptical about talking therapy. Never seemed helpful to me. Reason? I hadnt found the right one. My new therapist started extremely well with me.
“I’m not one of those therapists who might wait for you to have your own discoveries. If I see something, I will just tell you. Is that OK with you?”
“Bloody Hell!” I thought, “Is that OK?!” It is more than OK, it's exactly what I need. I’ve spent so long going round the same old crap in my mind that I was like a broken record; a new, forthright perspective is right on the money. I won't go into too much detail, as therapy is a personal thing, but I do want to get you to where I am today.
I am staring down the barrel of ADHD. This has probably come as more of a surprise to me than it has to those who know me. But on top of this is something called RSD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, I know, sounds fun, doesn't it? I have been unlucky enough to be embroiled in its effects for most of my life, it would seem. What is interesting, though, is that RSD ties quite neatly in with adoption trauma. Not heard of it? No, neither had I.
Here's a quote from a psychiatrist during a podcast transcribed on ADHDuk.co.uk
“Dr. Shyamal Mashru: OK, so in a nutshell, it is described as a complex and intense—and underline the word intense here—emotional response that occurs when someone feels a perceived or real rejection or criticism. The driving force behind this is an intense fear of failure or rejection. And this is seen in almost all patients with ADHD.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is much more than the discomfort of rejection and failure. Patients describe this almost as a physical pain, and it can destroy them for quite a long period of time. It comes on all of a sudden. That’s how it’s described. They can’t control it at all, and it’s instantaneous. They find this hard to describe.”
This, as it's described so well above, is exactly what I have and continue to experience regularly. Not having the words to describe it is also a thing for me, hence why I added the quote. It's exhausting and frustrating, to say the least. What might be an everyday scenario to most becomes a mountain to climb for me. Another great way that I have seen RSD described is … Imagine you are in a large cinema, surrounded by everyone you know, family, friends, work colleagues, everyone. The room goes dark, and the huge screen lights up, but the movie you're all watching is showing all the bad things about YOU, the failures, the poor choices, things you said that you perhaps shouldn't have, relationship faults, everything. Try to imagine what that might feel like.
With RSD, that feeling of shame, of being singled out, with all your personal self-proclaimed shortfalls being exposed, that gut-wrenching dread, it happens instantly, without warning, and can come from just receiving a text, or even not receiving a text. For me, it sets off a chain reaction of anxiety that could last days; my mind won't stop replaying this moment, and it usually ends with me feeling quite ill.
One of the odd (well, I think it's strange) things I can’t do is have ‘Read Receipts’ turned on for my messages. If I know my text has been read, yet I have had no response, then the world is a strange and dark place.
When I first started lifting the fog of adoption, it felt so good to be able to put the words to the things I've found so difficult over the years. Now, RSD is doing the same thing. Even better, Em can now get a better understanding of exactly what goes through my mind, too.
If you're interested in finding out more about ADHD or, more specifically, RSD, here is the link to the transcript I found.
If anyone reading this has experience of RSD, please get in touch here. I’d love to hear about it.
