It’s Christmas! (No, it is not, it’s June!)
I started writing this blog at Christmas 2024, I’d completely forgotten I’d started it, I didn't name it, or file it properly. I found it a few days ago.
I’ve finished it now, and I was going to de-tinsel it and post it up on the blog all ‘holiday-season’ free, but then I thought, baubles to that!
So here it is as originally intended.
Got your Christmas tree up? (No) Lights around your windows? (No) Slightly sad-looking, partially deflated? No, not me! … I’m talking about the Inflatable snowman on the lawn out front. How rude!
Ah shit, it’s fucking Christmas again! (No, it is not, it’s June!) Don’t worry, adoptees, this might be a blog popping up close to Christmas, but many of us don't have the greatest of yuletides, do we? So this blog isn't about Christmas…(Correct)
I recently overheard a conversation in which two people were discussing intrusive thoughts. “Oh god, I get them all the time,” said person one. My brain is always telling me I'm not good enough, or this and that are going to happen”. " Isn't that negative thinking?” Person two replied. That got me thinking: Do people really know the difference, and do I?
You’re on a walk and on holiday. Aw, nice, good for you. You arrive at an amazing vantage point, overlooking the bay. See, not a broken bauble in sight. It's warm, your stupidly small pack is making your back sweaty, why didn't you think to bring a hat? The sun is strong now. You stop to admire the view, the sun glistening off the waves far down below. Small boats and jet skiers are drawing white, surf, chalk lines on the wet canvas of the water. The beach is so much wider than you thought from up here. You tap your back pocket … still got the room key, good. Sounds idyllic, doesn't it? Well, it would be if you hadn't been chased through some dry scrubland by a huge red hornet just a few minutes previously. True story!
You step closer to the edge, you want to get a glimpse of the rock face that you're currently standing on. It's at that moment that your brain says, “Hey, I wonder what it would feel like to jump?” You stand there, briefly considering it. Shudder and take 3 steps back, laugh to yourself, and move on. You were never going to do it, of course not, but the thought was there nonetheless. This was an intrusive thought, a harmless one, because as severe as a fall from that height might be, it was never going to be something you would attempt, right?
Incidentally, it's not the falling that would concern me most in this situation, no, it's more the sudden stop at the end.
But what if those intrusive thoughts were more damaging? I’ve had my fair share of these melon twisting little shits over the years, and they caused me all sorts of issues. Looking back, I think I have survived on a diet of thoughts like these most of my life.
They have ended relationships for me, stopped me socialising, halted me publicising my book, damn it, even stopped me answering phone calls!
I don't think I'm stretching the realms of possibility when I say it's probably something adoptees go through all the time. I’ve spoken with quite a few adopted people over the last year or so, and many tell me how they struggle with negative intrusivity in the cognitive department. (Is ‘intrusivity’ a word? The silhouettes made an album called ‘Intrusivity in 2020 but I’m not sure it counts… ah screw it, it’s a word now!).
Popping off to do some research, back in a bit! …
… six months later.
I’m back, I hope you're not still on the cliff, you'll be burnt to a crisp by now!
OK, according to Wikipedia (yes, I went there first, what a lazy arse. It's bad enough that I made you wait six months, without just falling into the Wiki-trap!), ‘An intrusive thought is an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate.’ The Anxiety and Depression Association of America says that (see, I looked elsewhere too) ‘Unwanted intrusive thoughts are stuck thoughts that cause great distress. They seem to come from nowhere, arrive with a whoosh, and cause a great deal of anxiety.
They go on to say that, “There are many myths about unwanted intrusive thoughts. One of the most distressing is that having such thoughts means that you unconsciously want to do the things that come into your mind. This is simply not true, and the opposite is true. It is the effort people use to fight the thought that makes it stick and fuels its return. People fight thoughts because the content seems alien, unacceptable, and at odds with who they are. So, people with violent, unwanted, intrusive thoughts are gentle people.
People who have unwanted intrusive thoughts about suicide often love life. And those who have thoughts of yelling blasphemies in church value their religious life.
Reading this took me to a movie called ‘Wicked Little Letters’.Starring the tremendous Olivia Colman. In the film, the inhabitants of a small village in England are plagued by blasphemous, rude, and offensive letters posted through their doors, seemingly by an anonymous author. Spoiler alert here, the culprit turned out to be a downtrodden woman repressed by her ogre of a god fearing father. The letters she wrote were her way of releasing the tension and anger caused by her situation, her intrusive thoughts, and her energy.
Of course, it's often not that simple. Those higher up on the neurodivergent spectrum find their intrusive thoughts incredibly debilitating. People who suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) find even leaving the house difficult as a result of their extreme negative thinking; it's not just about feeling uncomfortable because your house isn't clean and tidy. Often, OCD sufferers believe that a person they know may die or be injured if certain practical rituals are not performed, if they don't check the front door is locked a specific number of times, for example.
It's pretty clear that some people find their intrusive thoughts to be extremely disabling, causing significant negative reactions and effects in life. Mine, thankfully, are less so; they do, however, manage to consume me in their way, and if I leave them unchecked, will steer me towards what feels to me like a safer and somewhat smaller existence.
In 2022, I referred myself through the NHS for a 12-week course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), as the anxiety I was experiencing had become difficult to manage, and something had to change. I put myself through what turned out to be a well-structured and detailed course, full of probing questions and exercises that truly helped me break down the anxiety and negative thinking I was experiencing. For me, online CBT is great at giving a person the tools to help combat the onset of anxiety; it will help you prune the tree, but it’s unlikely to be able to help you dig it out by the roots, like more traditional talking therapies might.
“One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things.”
This quote is from the incredible book, written and illustrated by Charlie Mackesy, called The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and the Horse. This sums up how CBT helped me, and it's as simple as it sounds, because negative and intrusive thinking will only win if I let it. I let ‘Brian’ (as I call him) do his worst, then laugh in his face, tell him all the reasons why he is wrong, take his power from him, and turn it on its head. When I first started doing this, I failed a lot. But the more I did it, the smaller and more insignificant he became.
Its much easier now to kick Brian in the baubles, before he has time to piss all over my cognitive Christmas cake (Yay! Got it back around to Christmas again).
If you think you could benefit from CBT, or any other form of therapy, this Christmas (Is he really still doing this?!) and you're in the UK, below are a couple of useful places to start. There are so many organisations set up to help people going through stuff, to get through stuff, you might find something local to you.
Buy Who’s Wally? - Adoption, Brian, and Me, the book on Amazon
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash
